


Depressive Episode

by graspingforwords



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-23 19:16:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20345320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graspingforwords/pseuds/graspingforwords
Summary: David knows Matteo has his low points. Everyone does. But what happens when a low point turns into a search party, and David can’t find Matteo?





	Depressive Episode

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I have a few more of these in the works because I just can’t seem to get these two out of my head! But I wanted to say a few things first!
> 
> 1\. I know depression is different for everyone! I just want everyone to know that this is how I interpret his depression. And I also added in something else because I felt like it was necessary!
> 
> 2\. There are a few trigger warnings, please don’t read if you can’t handle that! There are mentions of suicide in this story! I think it is important to talk about them because they are very real!
> 
> 3\. Memory loss is a common occurrence in people who suffer from depression. I had a friend once who suffered from depression, and she lost come chunks of her life. It’s real, and it happens, and that’s what I pulled from in this story. I know it sounds strange, but people go through this every day, and I think it’s important to share that with the world. Depression isn’t just sadness. It comes with lots of different side effects, and I think more people should be aware of that!

It was the longest build up to an episode Matteo’s ever had. He could feel it coming, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. The deep feeling of loneliness in the pit of his stomach even in a room full of people, his closet friends and people he loved the most. The emptiness in his head that told him nobody would care if he wasn’t around anymore. The physical ache he felt to feel anything, to remind him that he was real, and alive.

He tried his hardest to ignore it. To not think about the vicious thoughts that crowded his mind on a daily basis. Work was always a good distraction, but today, Matteo couldn’t stop the thoughts. He was losing today. He hated losing. He turned his phone off before work, and when it was finally time for him to leave, he didn’t turn it back on. He got on the bus, and he watched as stop after stop passed him by. It wasn’t until he got to his stop, and the doors opened, but Matteo didn’t get out. He waited. Minute after minute. They finally closed, and and the bus started moving Matteo closed his eyes and laid his head back on the seat. He had no idea where this bus was taking him, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything at the moment.

~/~/~/~

David got home from university later than he expected and he was exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to go home, get in bed, and not wake up until tomorrow morning. Which was exactly what he did. the minute he woke up to his alarm, he felt so much better, and more refreshed. It was the deepest sleep he’s had in awhile, and he was thankful that he got it. He needed it.

David rolled over and reached out for Matteo. He normally worked nights so he was used to getting a cuddle in before he had to leave for school. But when he reached over, and the bed was cold, he was confused. He sat up and rubbed his eyes to make sure he was actually awake.

“Matteo?” He called out, but he got no answer. He made his way into the living room, and the kitchen. To see if he was there making breakfast, or if he fell asleep on the couch because he was too tired to make it to bed. “Matteo?” He called out again but he was still met with silence. “Shit.” He pulled out his phone to see when the last time they texted. He hasn’t texted Matteo in a couple days, and he had no idea where the hell he was. So he called Jonas.

“Hello?” He answered after the second ring.

“Jonas, I can’t find Matteo.” David said, worry lacing his voice.

“He isn’t a dog.” Jonas laughed, not getting the gravity of the situation. “Maybe he got an early shift.”

“He didn’t tell me about it.” David explained. “Plus, when does Matteo ever wake up early? I haven’t texted him in days, and the last thing I said to him was two days ago, and it was a goodbye that I yelled because I was running late.” David further explained.

“Dude, you seem really freaked out.” Jonas finally said, sensing it.

“Because I am.” David admitted. “Has he seemed off to you lately?” He asked, knowing they saw each other a few days ago.

“I mean, not any worse than normal I suppose.” Jonas said. “He was quiet, but I figured he was just tired.”

“Shit.” David cursed. “Can you meet me on campus in 30 minutes?” He asked. “And bring the crew.”

“See you in 30.” Jonas agreed and David went to get dressed. He got everything he needed and headed out dialing Matteo. His calls kept going to voicemail, and that wasn’t like Matteo. He always answered when David called, and he couldn’t stop freaking out. What the hell happened? And how did David not see it coming?

~/~/~/~

David got to campus, and he saw the group waiting for him. He made a beeline for them, and as he got closer, he could see that they were all worried now. Jonas might have thought it was funny at first, but Matteo is his best friend, and he was worried something terrible happened to him.

“Okay, what the hell is actually going on?” Jonas asked when David was in front of them.

“I got home from class yesterday and I just passed out.” David explained. “I’ve been running on fumes the last few weeks, so I just expected to wake up today and Matteo would be home. He tries very hard not to wake me up when he gets home. It’s not unusual.”

“So when you woke up this morning, and he wasn’t anywhere in your flat, that’s when you started freaking out?” Jonas asked, and David nodded.

“He’s always there. Even if I find him in the kitchen cooking, or passed out on the couch, it’s not like him to not come home.” David said. “I barely remember our last conversation, and now I have no idea where he is.” David started freaking out. Amira came over and put her arm around his shoulders to try and calm, him down, but this was Matteo, the love of his life, he couldn’t calm down.

“Okay. We’re going to split up.” Jonas said. “Honestly, he could be anywhere, but not looking won’t do us any good.” He said and everyone nodded.

“But where do we look?” Hanna asked. “He isn’t going to be hiding under a bridge somewhere. He might not even be in Berlin anymore.” She pointed out.

“I’ve found him under a bridge before.” Jonas said and David’s eyes went wide. “He used to disappear sometimes, but he hasn’t done it in years.”

“Did he have places that he would go more frequently?” Amira asked.

“Honestly, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.” Jonas admitted. “Look, Matteo’s low points are all consuming when he has them.”

“Do you think he’s in one now?” Sam asked.

“I think he’s been in one for a while now.” Jonas admitted. “Just think about your last interaction with him, was anything different?” He asked the group.

“I saw him the other day.” Hanna said. “Like you said, he was quiet, but he’s always been quiet.”

“He texted me the other night.” Carlos said. “Looking back on it now, he wasn’t texting like himself.”

“What was he saying?” David asked.

“Told me he valued my friendship, and that I had been such a great friend to him for the past couple years.” Carlos said. “It was really nice to hear, but he’s never made that kind of deceleration before.”

“He texted me something like that too.” Amira said. “He said he was sorry he was a shitty study partner, but he was glad that we got to spend so much time together, and how I really helped him.”

“Oh my god.” David said, this couldn’t be any worse. “Jonas, has Matteo ever been suicidal?”

“You think he’s suicidal?” Kiki asked, shocked.

“Think about it. People who are planning to end their lives give declarations to people they care about. A way of letting them know it wasn’t their fault. That they couldn’t have prevented it.”

“But he didn’t leave you one.” Jonas pointed out.

“Has he ever been suicidal Jonas?” David asked, ignoring what he said. He knows Matteo didn’t leave him something, and that also terrified him.

“One night when we were really high he mentioned how sometimes he thought he wouldn’t be missed if he wasn’t around anymore.” Jonas admitted. “But I told him he was being stupid because I would miss him, and his mom would miss him, and so would everyone he’s friends with. He just shrugged and never brought it up again after that. I just thought maybe it was just the weed making him think he wasn’t valued in the world. Sometimes it fucks you up that way, but since he never mentioned it again, I guess I never really put my stock into that conversation.”

“Guys, what the hell do we do?” Mia asked, terrified for her friend and past roommate.

“We go looking for him.” Jonas said. “Hanna, and Abdi come with me. We’re going to look at all the places we used to go to as kids.” He said and everyone nodded. “Mia, you, David and Sam go to his job first and see what he was like last night, or if he ever went to work. See if they know anything, and than if they don’t, go see his mom. She might know something.” They all nodded. “Amira, Kiki, and Carlos you go and search the train stations and bus stops. He might have taken one, but he also just might be there, contemplating getting on one and leaving.” They nodded. “Text if we find out anything, and if we still don’t know where he is in 4 hours. We’re going to the police.” Everyone agreed with that plan, and they headed their separate ways. David was freaking out. This wasn’t like Matteo at all. He always came back, and the thought of not having him around, scared David more than anything.

~/~/~/~

Every place they checked was a dead end. They all agreed to meet back at David and Matteo’s flat when they couldn’t find anything. They hadn’t planned it, but David was having a very hard time as the day went on, and Mia thought maybe if he was home, it might calm him down a little more. But when they got home, David went into their room and locked the door. He grabbed one of Matteo’s hoodies, and sunk into their bed and cried. This wasn’t how today was supposed to go, and he missed Matteo. He missed him so much, and the thought of never seeing him again was killing him.

“I don’t know what to do.” Mia said to the group. “He’s devastated.”

“Wouldn’t you be?” Amira asked. “Matteo means the world to him, and he’s missing.”

“Should we go to the police now?” Kiki asked.

“I don’t know what else we could do.” Jonas admitted. “We looked everywhere, and we talked to everyone who saw him last.”

“I know you’ve known him the longest Jonas, but is there anyone else that could possibly know something about Matteo that we don’t?” Mia asked.

“The only person I can think of would be Sara, but I don’t know how much Matteo really told her.” Jonas admitted.

“It’s worth a try.” Mia said. She pulled her phone out and searched for her number before sending her a quick text. The conversation was short, but she was hoping it would lead to something. “She’s coming over.”

David still hasn’t come out of his room. Amira went and knocked, but nobody answered. They knew he needed some time, and hopefully Sara has some useful information that would help David and Matteo. There was finally a knock at the door, and everyone raced to open it.

“Hey.” Sara said when she greeted everyone. “What can I help you with?” She wasn’t entirely sure why she was there yet. Mia didn’t want to tell her over a text.

“Matteo is missing.” Jonas explained and her eyes widened. “We’ve looked everywhere for him, but we have had no luck. We wanted to know if he ever told you anything about where he would run away too, or if he ever considered ending his life.”

“You think he is capable of that?” Sara asked, shocked.

“He’s been weird lately.” Carlos said. “Texting Amira and I that we meant a lot to him. It was strange, but we’re the only two who got a text like that.”

“Where is David?” She asked, and everyone looked sad.

“He locked himself in their room.” Amira explained. “He’s been in there for almost an hour.”

“I wish I had more to tell you guys.” Sara said. “But Matteo isn’t a very open person. At least he wasn’t with me.” She admitted. “But I don’t think Matteo would ever end his life. There are too many people he wouldn’t be able to leave behind. David being the main one. He would never do anything to jeopardize their life together.”

“Than where is he?” David asked, and everyone’s head snapped in his direction. “If he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize our life together, than where the hell is he right now?” He asked again.

“We don’t know.” Jonas said honestly. “But we’re going to find him.”

“You don’t know that.” David said. He hugged Matteo’s sweatshirt closer to his body.

“What do you want us to do David?” Jonas asked.

“I just want Matteo to come home.” David said honestly.

“Do you want to give him one more night? Or do you want us to go to the police?” Jonas asked, giving him options this time. He knew David wasn’t in a good place, but they needed a plan.

“Give him one more night.” David said. “I’m going to sleep.” He turned and headed into his room and shut the door again.

“You heard him.” Jonas turned towards the group. “One more night.”

“What are we supposed to do?” Amira asked. “We can’t just leave him here.”

“I’m gonna stay.” Jonas said. “I’ll keep you all in the loop, but you guys can all go home. Do whatever you have to do.”

“Let us know the minute you know something.” Mia said and Jonas nodded. They all said their goodbyes, and Jonas was alone. He took a deep breath, and sat on the sofa. He had no clue where the hell Matteo was, but he hoped he was alright.

~/~/~/~

It was the middle of the night. Matteo walked up to his flat absolutely exhausted. The last 24 hours have been a blur. He doesn’t remember a lot of it, only that somehow he ended up in Prague, and he knew he had to come home. His phone was dead, he had no charger, and no way to contact anyone. It was a shitty situation, but he was happy to be home.

When he got inside, he drug his feet to his room, but when he saw Jonas passed out on his couch, he was slightly confused. It was too late to try and figure anything out. He would do all that tomorrow. He probably needed a shower as well, but he had no energy. He was lucky he even got this far. He fell asleep on a bench somewhere in Prague, but that was the most sleep he’s gotten in days.

He opened the door and he saw David passed out in their bed, but instead of being on his side, David was on Matteo’s clutching his pillow. Matteo didn’t care what side he was on, he just wanted to sleep. He pulled off all his clothes, put fresh ones on and climbed into bed. His eyes were instantly closing, and all he wanted was a good nights sleep after the shittiest couple weeks he’s ever had.

~/~/~/~

David rolled over in the middle of the night and wasn’t expecting to find anyone in his bed. He knew Jonas had stayed to make sure he was okay, which he was grateful for, but it was a little weird if he got in bed with David. He opened his eyes, and was absolutely shocked to see Matteo fast asleep next to him. Shock, confusing, and a little anger coursed through his body, and he started to shake Matteo.

“What?” Matteo whined.

“You go missing for over 24 hours and you just say what?” David said to him. He was quiet, but anyone could tell his words were not meant to be taken lightly. Matteo opened his eyes, and when David took one look at them, he knew Matteo wasn’t okay. “You’re in one piece.” David said, and all Matteo could do was nod. David let everything go in that moment and pulled Matteo into his arms. He truly thought he wouldn’t get to do this again, so he wasn’t going to take it for granted. “We aren’t done talking about this, but for right now, I just want to hold you.” David whispered to Matteo and he nodded. David might have been holding on a little too tight, but he didn’t care. Matteo was home, and that’s what mattered the most to David.

They woke up the next morning, and Matteo was still in David’s arms. He didn’t want David to let go, but he knew at some point they had to talk. He owed him an explanation, and he wanted to give it to him, but he had no energy right now.

“You awake?” He heard David ask, and Matteo nodded. “I’m going to let Jonas know what’s going on, and than if you’re up for it, you can tell me what the hell happened to you.” David said and Matteo nodded again. David kissed the top of his head before getting out of bed. “And you need a shower. You smell.” He said, and a small smiled fell onto Matteo’s lips. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for David.

He slipped out of his room, and made his way to the living room. Jonas was sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in his hands reading some book he had. When he noticed David, he put his coffee down and stood up.

“What do you want to do?” He asked.

“Matteo’s home.” David said, and Jonas sighed in relief.

“What happened to him?” Jonas asked.

“Don’t know yet.” David admitted. “He looks drained. Like all the life has been sucked out of him. I told him when he can, we’re going to talk about it.”

“Keep me updated?” Jonas asked.

“Without a doubt.” David said. “Thank you for doing everything you did yesterday. I know I was being a little crazy, but he means everything to me.”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me David.” Jonas said. “I’m happy he’s back, but he needs help. Professional help. Please try and make him see that he can’t keep doing this.”

“I know. We’re going to have a long talk. This isn’t going to happen again. Not on my watch.” David said honestly. Something had to be done, and something will be done. This can’t happen again.

“Well, I’m going to head home.” Jonas said. “At some point everyone is going to want to see him. Just let us know when a good time is.”

“Of course. See you later.” David said. They hugged and Jonas left the flat. David took a deep breath before he went back into their room. Matteo was still in bed, but David had a feeling they weren’t going to be leaving it anytime soon. David got into bed with him and Matteo slowly opened his eyes. “Do you need a few more hours?” He asked, and Matteo nodded. “Okay. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“What about class?” Matteo asked, his voice scratchy from lack of use.

“I don’t care. My professors know I’m going through something right now. they’ll understand.” David said.

“Is everything okay?” Matteo asked, and David let a laugh escape.

“I mean, my boyfriend went missing for over 24 hours, so I’ve been a little upset and scared.” David said and Matteo nodded.

“I’m sorry.” Matteo whispered and David sighed.

“I am so angry Matteo, but I’m so happy you’re okay.” David admitted.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered again.

“Look, get some more sleep. We’ll talk later.” David said and Matteo nodded. David kissed the top of his head and Matteo closed his eyes again. He didn’t care how long it took Matteo to tell him what the hell happened, but he was going to hear all of it, because something had to be done.

~/~/~/~

It was well into the night, and Matteo was still passed out. David got up an hour or so ago because he was hungry. He made a little extra, in case Matteo was up for eating. He’s knew it was slim, but he wanted to be prepared. He made himself a cup of tea and sat at the kitchen table and did some of his homework. He had music softly playing in the background when he heard the floorboards creek. He looked up and he saw Matteo slowly leaving their bedroom. His whole body looked worn out, and David can’t even begin to imagine what he’s been through in the last 48 hours.

“Hey.” David said once he was in the kitchen. “I made dinner, I saved a little extra in case you were hungry.”

“You made it?” Matteo asked and David nodded. “Than I definitely don’t want it.” He said, and although his voice wasn’t laced with sarcasm like it normally would be, David knew he was kidding.

“Any other day, I would tell you off, but you should eat.” David said. “When was the last time you ate something?”

“I don’t know. I remember eating pasta, but I think that was a couple days ago.” Matteo admitted.

“Even if it’s a piece of bread. Please something.” David pleaded. And Matteo knew he was worried, so he took a piece and nibbled on it. “Thank you.”

“How long have you been up?” Matteo asked.

“An hour or so.” David explained. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you woke up.”

“It’s okay. You don’t need to always be there.” Matteo shrugged.

“Matteo.” David sighed. “Do you understand how scared I’ve been the last 24 hours? You weren’t answering your phone, you didn’t tell me where you were going, hell I don’t even know where you were.” David explained.

“I turn it off when I’m working, and I never turned it back on.” Matteo explained. “I’m sorry. I don’t remember much of what happened to me.” That shocked David.

“Really?” He asked, concerned for his boyfriend.

“I remember being at work, and everything was just too much, but also nothing at all.” Matteo said.

“What do you mean?” David asked, Matteo was opening up, and David wasn’t going to let him stop now.

“The loneliness, the emptiness, the physical ache of not feeling anything. Like I wasn’t real.” Matteo explained. David reached his hand over and took his in his own.

“You’re real Matteo.” David whispered. “You are very real, and not alone.”

“I know that. Logically I know that, but sometimes I don’t feel it.” Matteo explained as he started playing with David’s fingers. “Sometimes I just don’t feel like I’m actually here. And it was suffocating me.”

“How long have you been feeling like this?” David asked.

“I don’t know. A month maybe.” Matteo said.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” David asked.

“You’ve been stressed with school.” Matteo said. “I didn’t want to add more on top of that.”

“Matteo, if you’re feeling low, you can come to me.” David explained. “You know that.”

“I know, but when I’m low, I don’t think straight.” Matteo admitted. “It’s like I black out. I barely remember what I’m supposed to be doing, and than when I start feeling better I lose chunks of my life.”

“Matteo, that’s not normal.” David admitted. He wanted to help make Matteo feel better, but he also had to be real with him.

“I know. Hell I ended up in Prague.” Matteo huffed.

“Prague? How the hell did you get there?” David asked. Shocked that’s where he was.

“I don’t know. I know I got on the bus after work. And I watched as stop after stop came and went, and when it came to my stop, I just sat there.” Matteo explained. “The doors closed, and I closed my eyes and the next thing I remember, I was in Prague, sleeping on a bench.”

“Jesus Matteo.” David sighed.

“My phone was dead, I didn’t have a charger. I just sat there for a couple hours thinking.” Matteo said.

“About what?” David asked.

“My life. How fucked it is.” Matteo sighed. “It’s terrifying that I can get to a low point, and the next thing I remember is days after.”

“Has this ever happened before?” David asked.

“Not to this extent.” Matteo admitted.

“How can you be certain though? If you lose chunks of your life, how do you know they didn’t happen?” David asked.

“Because this was the lowest I think I’ve ever gotten.” Matteo admitted. “It happened so slowly. I didn’t even realize it at first.” He explained. “It started with being extra tired, but work has been crazy lately, so I didn’t think much of it. But than getting out of bed became a chore. I kept forgetting to eat. I was in a constant state of sadness that I didn’t know how to pull myself out of. It was like everything in me didn’t want to live anymore. And there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop it.”

“Have you ever been.....suicidal?” David asked tentatively.

“I don’t think so.” Matteo said, but he sounded unsure.

“What do you mean?” David asked, wanting clarity.

“I’ve never thought about ending my life. Or harming myself in any way that would suggest it.” Matteo said. “But I’ve thought about what life could be like if I wasn’t around. If I didn’t cause so much pain, and how everyone would enjoy life so much more without the constant worry of me.”

“You do know everyone loves you, right?” David asked. “We spent an entire day searching for you, because you mean a lot to everyone. Especially me.” He said.

“And in my mind, that’s one day you guys gave up because I was a problem.” Matteo said. “You wasted it because I can’t get myself to fucking feel anything and it ruins my life. It ruins your life.”

“I have never felt like my life has been ruined because of you Matteo.” David said firmly. “You’ve only added value, and happiness into my life, and I would be lost without you. Hell, I was very lost yesterday.”

“I’m sorry I ran away, and I’m sorry I don’t remember doing it.” Matteo said.

“You texted Carlos and Amira the other night.” David said. “The texts were strange, and i honestly thought you were going to kill yourself.” David admitted. Saying those words out loud stung.

“I don’t remember texting them.” Matteo said honestly. “I’m sorry I worried you like that. I wouldn’t do that. Not to you.”

“That is very reassuring to hear, and I’m happy that you feel that way, but this can’t happen again Matteo.” David told him honestly. “I know you’ve been battling these demons for a while now, but I think it’s time you let someone else help you.”

“A therapist?” Matteo asked.

“Losing chunks of you memory isn’t normal, and getting to this low point where you get in a train to another country, sleep on a bench, and wake up not knowing how you got there is terrifying. Something seriously bad could have happened to you.” David said. “I think instead of feeling these lows and trying to get through them can’t be the way you deal with them anymore.”

“I always told myself i wouldn’t end up like my mom.” Matteo said. David didn’t know if he had taken his advice into consideration, but he really hopes he does. “And now I’m even worse. The fucking irony.” He laughed, but there was no humor in it.

“Seeking help from a therapist isn’t bad Matteo.” David promised him. “So many people need them for so many different things, and it’s a way for you to learn how to cope, and how to handle this. They’ll never go away, so having a plan on how to handle them throughout life will be really good for you.”

“But what if depression isn’t the only thing wrong with me?” Matteo asked. “What if I’m really fucked, and I can’t be helped?”

“Nobody is perfect Matteo.” David told him. “Everyone battles their own demons, and some people have more than others, but they don’t define you. You’re an incredible person Matteo. Just because you’re struggling, doesn’t take that away from you.”

“I’ll call tomorrow.” Matteo said after a small stretch of silence.

“I am so proud fo you.” David said as he leaned over and gave him a kiss. “Do you want to go back to bed?”

“I don’t know.” Matteo admitted. “It was really quiet in there, and my mind wouldn’t shut off.”

“I can put some music on, and we can just lay there.” David said. Matteo thought about it for a little, before nodding his head. David grabbed his hand and lead him to their bedroom where they got under the covers. David put his phone on low, and played music while Matteo curled into his side. Tonight had been an emotional night, but David felt like they were headed in the right direction, and that’s what he was looking forward too.

~/~/~/~

The office looked bland. Nothing hanging on the walls, and the chairs were an muted color. I guess it made sense for things to be bare here. People didn’t come here for the decorations, they came here for help. Coming here today had been a huge step for Matteo, and even though he almost bailed, he was happy to be here, he just didn’t know how much talking he would actually do with this therapists. Words weren’t the easiest thing for Matteo to find. Especially when the topic of conversation was about himself.

“Everything is going to be okay.” David said beside him. Matteo told him he didn’t have to come. That he could go to class, but David wasn’t going anywhere. He wanted to be there for his first session.

“Matteo Florenzi?” The woman called, and it was like Matteo was stuck.

“Matteo.” David said from beside him. “What’s wrong?” He asked, but all Matteo did was look at him and he knew he was freaking out. “Come on, it’s okay.” David said as he pulled Matteo to his feet. Once he was up he tried to let go of Matteo’s hands but Matteo wouldn’t let him go. “Matteo, you have to let go. I’ll be here when you’re done.” David promised him.

“If Matteo allows it, you can sit in on the session.” The woman said, and when David looked at Matteo, and he knew he wanted him in there with him.

“Okay.” David said, and they both followed the woman back to her office. They took a seat on the couch but Matteo refused to let go of David’s hand.

“What brings you in today Matteo?” The doctor asked.

“I’ve been really low for a long time, and I am missing chunks of my life.” Matteo said.

“By missing you mean you don’t remember them?” She asked.

“I guess. I went missing for over 24 hours the other week and I don’t remember it at all.” Matteo told her. He normally wouldn’t be this open about his issues, but David and him had talked about how being open and honest was the only way she could help him. So he was trying his best.

“Have you ever done that before?” She asked. Matteo hesitated, and David knew it was because he didn’t way to say it out loud. He looked over at David and his eyes were sad. Eventually he looked back at his therapist.

“Once.” Matteo admitted.

“And what happened that time?” She asked.

“Like I said, I don’t remember why I went, or anything like that, but I was 14 at the time. My parents were fighting, and everything just got too much. I couldn’t block out the noise, and everything got foggy, and I felt like my heart was going to break out of my chest.” Matteo admitted. David held tightly onto his hand. “I put on headphones and tried to let the music drown them out, and the next thing I know, I’m at a park about 30 minutes from my flat, and I don’t remember getting there.”

“How long were you gone for?” She asked.

“About a day.” Matteo admitted. “My parents didn’t notice.” He said sadly, and David just wanted to wrap Matteo in his arms and never let him go.

“Does depression run in your family?” She asked after a moment.

“My mom has it. It was really bad when I was younger.” Matteo said.

“How bad?” She asked.

“She would just sit in her room and stare at the wall. She wouldn’t eat, she wouldn’t drink, she wouldn’t talk.” Matteo told her. “She would scratch her arms a lot. Sometimes they would bleed but she didn’t even notice she’d do it.” David could tell he was getting overwhelmed. “She would always ask me how she got the scratches. My dad always blamed me.” The last sentence was quiet. He was losing all his energy.

“And how long would you describe your low points?” She asked. Matteo didn’t say anything. David knew it was because he was tired. The therapist seemed to catch on to that as well. “Do you know David?”

“Most of them would last a week or so.” David explained. “We could always tell when they were coming.”

“How so?” She asked.

“He would get quiet.” David began. “Which to other people wasn’t unusual. He’s a quiet person. But he would go hours without uttering a single word.” He looked over at Matteo. He was staring at the floor. “His sleeping patterns would be all over the place as well. Some nights he would sleep for only an hour or so, other nights he’d go to bed when he got home from work, and sleep until he had to go to work the next night. He forgets to eat, he tends to smoke more because he says it clears his head, and he digs his nails into his palms without realizing it.”

“Wow. You’ve been paying attention.” She said very surprised.

“I wanted to know when they were coming.” David admitted.

“Did you not see this one coming?” She asked.

“Honestly, I’ve been so stressed with school, I haven’t been noticing a lot lately.” David admitted. “Our schedules are kinda conflicting, so it wouldn’t be abnormal for us to only see each other for a couple minutes a day.” He explained.

“Matteo, how long was this last low period?” The therapist directed towards Matteo.

“I felt it building for about a month.” Matteo said.

“And do you have any other symptoms you can think of?” She asked.

“Not that I can think of.” Matteo said. “Have you noticed David?” He asked.

“Uh, you’re pretty frigidity when you’re uncomfortable.” David explained.

“Frigidity how?” She asked.

“He has to be moving.” David said. “Doesn’t matter if we’re laying in bed, or sitting watching a movie. His leg is tapping, or he is playing with his fingers. Things like that.”  
“And does he get random burst of aggression, or anger?” She asked. David looked over at Matteo.

“Sometimes.” Matteo admitted. “I try to keep that part to myself, but if it gets to be too much I lash out.”

“Lash out how?” She probed.

“I broke my phone once.” Matteo said. “I’ll throw anything in my reach, or I’ll outright yell. It depends on how bad it is.”

“And your attention span? How is that?” She asks.

“It’s always been pretty shitty.” Matteo expresses. “School was always hard because I just couldn’t focus for that long. My dad always told me I was stupid. That focusing shouldn’t be hard for me.” David had no idea about that. He was shocked.

“David said you smoke because it makes your head clear.” She said and Matteo nodded. “Did it help you focus as well?”

“Sometimes.” Matteo admitted. “But I would always end up smoking too much and than I really couldn’t focus on anything.”

“How much would you say you smoke in an average day?” She asked.

“In school I’d smoke 3 or 4 joints a day.” Matteo said. “It’s become more of a social thing nowadays though.”

“Only weed, or cigarettes too?” She asked.

“Both.” Matteo said. “Joints more during school, cigarettes more now.”

“Your memory outside of low points, how is it?” She asked.

“It’s okay I guess.” Matteo said. “Sometimes I forget simple things, but it’s not really all that bad.”

“They aren’t simple things.” David had to add. “Sometimes you forget things we talked about 10 minutes before.”

“Like what?” She asked.

“We made plans one day, and I went to get ready and when I walked out of our room 10 minutes later, Matteo was almost asleep on the couch. When I asked what he was doing, he said he was tired so he was taking a nap. When I asked about our plans, he didn’t remember them.” David explained.

“Does that happen a lot?” She asked David.

“Not very frequently.” David admitted. “But enough for me to know it isn’t just a simple lapse in judgement.”

“Okay. I think I know what we’re dealing with, but I want to be 100% sure. I’m going to need some blood work done.” She admitted.

“For what reason?” David asked.

“I think Matteo is suffering from depression, and ADD.” She said and Matteo nodded.

“What does that mean exactly?” David asked.

“The trouble focusing, the fidgeting, the aggression and anger are all common symptoms of ADD. I’d like to know for certain if that’s what’s causing these in Matteo.” She explained. “Depression is also linked to memory loss. Sometimes it worsen if it goes untreated, and from what you’ve told me, I think you’ve been suffering from depression since you were a kid.”

“How does someone get depression that young?” David asked. Not knowing children could suffer from it.

“A lot of it has to do with the environment you grow up in.” She explained. “And if your mom has been suffering from it for a while, and you were in a home that was a constant battle ground that made you feel trapped, and unwanted, is a perfect storm for depression to grow.”

“Sometimes I feel like I’m not real.” Matteo said. “Like everything that’s happened to me, and my parents wouldn’t have happened if I never came into their lives.”

“I’m sure that’s a feeling that comes with constant belittlement from a parent, and feeling like the root of a the problem.” She told him honestly. “How many fights would you say were about you?”

“Most of them.” Matteo said. “I was always doing something wrong in my dads eyes. It didn’t matter what grades I got, although they were always shit, or what chores I did at home. He would pick a fight about anything.”

“Did your mom ever have you tested? Maybe to see why school was so hard for you?” She asked Matteo.

“No.” Matteo said. “She wasn’t a fan of doctors. I think she always thought they were analyzing her and she didn’t want that.”

“Okay. I would like you to get that blood work done this week, and we’ll go from there.” She said and Matteo nodded. “I’d like to see you again next week as well.”

“Okay.” Matteo simply said. 

She showed them out of her office, and they made an appointment for the next week. They were walking towards the bus stop when Matteo tugged slightly on David’s hand.

“Can we just walk?” He asked.

“Are you sure? It’s not the shortest walk.” David expressed.

“Yea. I just need to clear my head. That was a lot.” Matteo admitted and David nodded. They started walking in silence because Matteo had done a lot of talking today, and David knew he was worn out. He figured the whole walk would be silent, which he was okay with, but when Matteo turned to look at him, he could tell he had been thinking the whole time.

“What’s on your mind?” David asked.

“I never knew there was something wrong with me.” Matteo muttered. “I knew I was sad, but I didn’t think it would turn out to be something I’ve been suffering from since I was a kid.”

“There is nothing wrong with you Matteo.” David expressed. “But now we know what you’ve been dealing with for years, and we can finally help you cope with it.” Matteo just shrugged. “We can do this Matteo.”

“Okay.” Matteo simply said. David knew he was still digesting everything they were told today. He understood that it would take some time for him to come to terms with it fully, and that was okay.

They got back to their flat and Matteo went straight to their room to nap. Today had been an emotional day for him, and he was drained. David told him he was going to text Jonas. Matteo seemed to know his best friend wanted to be kept in the loop so he didn’t mind. David was in the middle of making dinner when he heard the buzz. He let Jonas in, and he took a seat at the kitchen table while David cooked.

“How is he?” Jonas asked.

“He’s okay, just tired. Today was a lot.” David admitted.

“How was the appointment?” He asked.

“Good. She wants Matteo to get some blood work done before she officially diagnosis him.” David explained.

“What does she think he has?” Jonas asked.

“Depression and ADD.” David said. “Which explains why he’s always been unable to focus and why he’s constantly fidgeting.”

“Wow.” Jonas said.

“She said she thinks he’s been suffering from it for years.” David explained. “Like before he was a teenager.”

“That long?” Jonas asked, shocked.

“I was surprised too, but she said that his parents fighting didn’t help, but that since he felt like he was the constant trigger the depression just had the opportunity to grow, and his lapses in memory and blacking out are caused by memory loss due to the depression.” David explained further.

“Holy shit.” Jonas said. “I can’t believe I never noticed.”

“Nobody did.” David said honestly. “Do you know he disappeared before? For entire day and he doesn’t remember it.”

“When?” Jonas asked.

“When he was 14.” David said. “Same thing that happened last week, but those are the only two instances that he knows about.”

“Jesus.” Jonas sighed. “But he is going to continue therapy?” He asked.

“Yea.” David nodded. “I know he doesn’t want to feel like this for the rest of his life, and she seems like she’s going to be good for Matteo.”

“That’s good.” Jonas said and David nodded in agreement. They let the conversation drift onto something more positive, but they both couldn’t forget about everything Matteo is going through. It’s hard to believe that he’s been battling these demons since he was a kid, but hopefully now he will find a good way to cope and hopefully show him that there is nothing wrong with him. At least that’s what David hopes.

~/~/~/~

It’s been a couple weeks, and Matteo goes to therapy once a week. Sometimes David goes, other times he can’t. Matteo has gotten used to him going to some sessions. He feels better when David is there. It sucks airing out all your insecurities and demons, but it’s the only way Matteo can seem to open up to David, and he likes opening up to him, he wants to, sometimes it’s just hard to talk about them.

Today was a day David could come. They were meeting at his therapists office, because David had class, but he promised to be there, and Matteo sat in the waiting room picking at his fingers. It was a nervous tick that his therapist caught onto during one session. She told Matteo it was a tiny way to cause himself pain that wasn’t outright obvious to others. Matteo had no idea, but it made sense when his fingers were so worn that they would bleed. Most days Matteo couldn’t even feel it.

“Hey.” He heard and when he looked there stood David. “Sorry I’m a little late. Class ran long.” He took a seat next to Matteo and kissed his cheek.

“It’s okay. I think her session is running long too.” Matteo admitted. As if she heard them, her door opened and out walked his therapist, and her previous client. they said their hushed goodbyes before she walked away.

“Sorry for that Matteo.” She smiled. “We lost track of time.”

“It’s okay.” Matteo said.

“Why don’t you follow me back.” She said and both Matteo and David got up. They both got into her office and took their seats on her couch. “Okay, last session we made really good progress and I want to pick up where we left off.” She said and Matteo nodded. Last session David couldn’t make, and part of him was glad because he didn’t want David to know how truly awful his childhood had been, but I guess today was the day. “Do you remember the last thing we talked about?”

“About the beginning of my fathers abusive behaviors.” Matteo said, and he heard David gasp from beside him. He ignored it, he didn’t want to address that right now. One thing at a time.

“Yes, particularly towards you.” She said. “We talked about your mom, but I want to know more about what he did to you.”

“I’ve tried to block it out.” Matteo admitted.

“Which makes sense.” She said. “But ignoring it isn’t solving it, or learning how to cope with it.” She explained.

“It wasn’t physical.” Matteo admitted.

“Most abuse isn’t.” She said.

“It was little comments he made. They started out every now and then. When I got a bad grade, when i forgot to do something he asked. But eventually he just got meaner and meaner.” Matteo expressed. At some point David had taken Matteo’s hand in his.

“How mean?” She probed.

“He told my mom once that he wished he never had a kid.” Matteo said. “That if she wanted something to occupy her time she could have gotten a dog, or cat. Something that didn’t have a purpose since I didn’t seem to have one either.” Matteo admitted. That was something he could never forget even if he tried. David felt like crying. He would never be able to understand how someone could be so cruel.

“And how old were you when he said that?” She asked.

“10 maybe.” Matteo shrugged. He didn’t remember the exact age, but he knew he was young.

“Was that the worst he ever said to you?” She asked, and Matteo looked at David with sad eyes. David knew this was hard for him. He squeezed his hand tightly to let him know he was there for him.

“It was one of them.” Matteo admitted. “As a kid, I think I had this idea that my father and I would grow up to be great friends. All my friends had good relationships with their dads, and mine couldn’t even stand me.” Matteo explained. “I guess it felt like the worst because he didn’t even want me in the first place.”

“The name calling happened for years, correct?” She asked after Matteo’s explanation.

“Yea. I got called lazy, useless, irritating, bothersome, stupid, annoying, pathetic.” Matteo listed. “They never stopped.”

“And what did you mom do when he would get like that?” She asked.

“I think part of her was just happy he wasn’t abusing her, so she kinda just pretended she didn’t hear it.” Matteo said. “I don’t blame her though. She got it worse than me.”

“Abuse is never a tolerable or justifiable behavior Matteo.” She told him. “What your father did to you, vs what he did to your mother are both disgusting and inhumane acts. Don’t forget that.”

“I know, but he wasn’t hitting me.” Matteo said. “Sometimes I wish he would have, just to give her a break.” He whispered and David moved closer to him. The thought of anyone hurting him was inexcusable to David. He wouldn’t allow it.

“Would his behavior cause your mother to enter an episode?” She asked.

“I don’t think they caused them, but they didn’t help either.” Matteo admitted. “You could always tell when she was entering one. She had signs.”

“What were they?” She asked.

“Her body language would change. She had the most loving presences, but when she started to spiral she’s retreat. Cocoon into herself, make herself small, so nobody could see her.” Matteo said. “She’d stop doing things, the little things. I think they were the easiest to stop because she thought nobody noticed.”

“But you did.” David whispered from beside him, and Matteo nodded.

“She’d leave me notes in my lunches for school. Or we’d eat dinner in the living room when my dad worked late.” Matteo remembered. “But the note stopped, and dinners stopped, and eventually she wouldn’t get out of bed to make anything.”

“Was your father always that way?” She asked Matteo.

“Not always.” Matteo remembered. “He was always distant, but he mostly kept to himself.”

“Do you know when he shifted?” She asked.

“I was probably 8 or something.” Matteo said. “He had problems at work, and eventually he started bringing that frustration home, and that’s who he became.”

“It’s good to talk about these things Matteo.” She explained. “It’s not easy, but you know sometimes the people who are supposed to love you, don’t know how. Sometimes they can’t, and sometimes they chose not too. But it has nothing to do with you.” She smiled at him, she looked at her watch and back at Matteo. “Same time next week?” She asked.

“Actually, I made plans to see my mom.” Matteo voiced and it shocked both David and his therapist. “She texted me the other day asking if I wanted to have lunch, I wasn’t sure, but I agreed. I hope I go.” Matteo said honestly.

“That’s amazing Matteo.” She smiled. “You can always call me if it becomes too much. We can talk it through together.” She offered and Matteo nodded.

They said their goodbyes and they boys walked home in silence. David wanted to talk to Matteo about seeing his mother, but he didn’t know how to bring it up. He knew he was tired from talking, but he really wanted to have this conversation.

“How come you didn’t tell me about your mom?” David eventually asked.

“I didn’t know if I would actually go.” Matteo admitted. “I didn’t want to disappoint you and her if I didn’t.” 

“Matteo.” David sighed as he stopped them both from walking. “Just texting with her, and making those plans is amazing, and I’m so proud of you.” He said honestly.

“I don’t know if I can go.” Matteo admitted.

“Why not?” David asked.

“Talking about all that shit we went through, I can’t look at her the same. I get sad.” Matteo said honestly.

“But you both survived, and I for one am so proud of you for getting through it and still being the most loving, and compassionate boy I’ve ever met.” David said honestly. “And your mom is just as proud of you as I am. I know it.”

“She asked if you’d like to come.” Matteo said. “I told her I wasn’t sure, but if you get done class early, you can tag along.” Matteo told him honestly.

“I’ll see what I can do.” David smiled. Of course he hasn’t spent much time with Matteo’s mom lately, but he was happy to go with Matteo if it meant he felt better about the visit. Matteo nodded and they continued to make their way home. David knew they still had a long road to go, but he was happy with the progress they made so far.

~/~/~/~

David had gotten done class early, and he texted Matteo that he could make lunch. He knew Matteo was anxious about it, but he was also so proud of him for taking that step, for going and not backing out. It was big for him, and something David knew Matteo needed, even if Matteo didn’t even know it.

Matteo texted him the place they were at and he made his way there as quickly as possible. When he got close he could see Matteo and his mother through the window. Matteo was smiling and his mother was laughing at something softly. It seemed lunch was going better than expected, and David was happy about that. He made his way in and over to their table.

“Hey.” He greeted and Matteo stood up and pulled him into a hug.

“Hey. I’m glad you came.” Matteo whispered and David smile.

“My boy.” Matteo’s mom said as she stood and pulled him into a hug as well. They had the same warm hugs.

“Hi mama.” David said. It had taken him some time to call her that, but one night it slipped, and he couldn’t go back. She was more like a mother than his own had ever been.

“I’m so happy you made it.” She said as they all retook their seats.

“Yea. I’m glad my professor had a family emergency and let class go.” David said lightly.

“How is school going?” She asked.

“It’s exhausting, but I love it.” David said honestly.

“I bet.” She smiled. “Matteo was telling me about therapy.” She said and David looked at Matteo with slightly wide eyes. He wasn’t expecting that. “He tells me that they talk about old childhood stories a lot.”

“Must be at the sessions I’m not at.” David shoves him lightly.

“You go with him?” She asked, a little confused.

“I told you he does mama.” Matteo said.

“But I didn’t know he went in with you.” She said.

“I didn’t plan on it.” David admitted. “His first session he was so nervous that he wouldn’t let go of my hand, so I went in with him, and if I can make it, I go.”

“Does it help?” She asked. “Having David there?”

“Yea. It always helps having David there.” Matteo answered honestly.

“I’m glad.” She smiled. “I just can’t believe you remember the lake.”

“Hard to forget a place you spend every summer of your childhood.” Matteo laughed. “I wish I could honestly, but it’s stuck.”

“Oh David, you should have seen it. Matteo didn’t know how to swim and his grandfather threw him in the lake with nothing to help him float.” She laughed.

“You laugh at my trauma, but I could have died.” Matteo said, everything was very light hearted, so David wasn’t worried about this oddly morbid but light conversation.

“What happened?” David asked curiously.

“After we realized that he wasn’t learning how to swim, his uncle jumped in and saved him.” She smiled. “He always was my favorite brother - in - law.” She added.

“Must be why you got so close.” Matteo said, and David was confused.

“It was one mistake Matteo.” She admitted.

“Dad didn’t take it as one mistake.” Matteo muttered and David took his hand in his.

“No he didn’t.” She agreed. “But as you can see, life wasn’t kind to me after that.”

“It wasn’t your fault.” Matteo said. “If it wasn’t Uncle Seppe than it would have been something else dad didn’t like.” It was quiet for a moment, and David wanted to move on from this subject.

“How are you doing mama?” David asked.

“I’m doing well.” She smiled. “The choir is doing so well, and we have our end of year concert coming up. Will you two come?”

“Of course mama.” Matteo answer and David nodded in agreement.

“Wonderful. I think the woman think I’m lying about having a son, but I tell them I have the best two boys in the world, and they’ve been begging me to bring you two around.” She beamed.

“Do they know we both aren’t yours?” Matteo asked with a laugh. “That your second boy is actually your only sons boyfriend?”

“I don’t know. I don’t care either.” She said. “You’re both my boys, whether you like it or not.”

“I don’t mind.” David smiled. “I haven’t had a mother in a long time.” He said and she reached over the table and took his free hand in hers.

“You’ve been my son since the moment Matteo told he he fell in love.” She smiled at the two boys. David wasn’t sure his heart could explode, but it was close when she told him that. He was happy. So damn happy, and he hoped Matteo was too.

~/~/~/~

It was late, Matteo had been laying in bed for hours trying to get some sleep. He could feel himself slipping. He knew he was getting to a low point. He texted David letting him know, he said he would try to get home as quick as possible, but Matteo knew he wouldn’t just abandon his classmates when they were working on a project. Matteo assured him he was okay for now, but David still wanted to be there.

He heard the door open and shut. He heard the keys land in the bowl, and he saw the light flicker on. The footsteps got closer and closer until he saw David open their bedroom door.

“Matteo?” He said quietly.

“Yea?” He said softly.

“How are you?” David asked.

“5.” Matteo said. His therapist had suggested ranking how he felt on a scale of 1-10. Sometimes it was easier to tell David a number than a feeling.

“Can I get you anything?” David asked.

“No.” Matteo said honestly.

“Okay.” David said. “I’ll be there shortly.” He said. Matteo nodded but he didn’t know if David saw or not. Matteo didn’t pay attention to the time, but before he knew it David was slipping into bed. Matteo turned his head towards David and he gave him a small smile. “I love you.” David said.

“I love you too.” Matteo expressed. David leaned over and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“We got this.” David whispered and Matteo shut his eyes and leaned into him.

Depressive episodes were never the highlight of either of their days, or weeks. They were hard, and they were tiresome, and sometimes they flat out sucked. But Matteo had David, and David would never let him face his demons alone. Matteo was never alone, and that’s what got him through.


End file.
